In all honesty

I have always tricked the system, in a way. All throughout high school and uni, I got away with waiting until the circumstances took difficult decisions off my hands. Sitting things out, hoping for problems to solve themselves, relying on others to turn a blind eye, lying to supervisors. In my senior year I didn’t attend a single P.E. lesson (which are mandatory in Germany) which would have kept me from graduating but the teacher, not wanting to ruin my career path this early on in life, pretended I’d shown up often enough to receive a grade. My thesis supervisor at uni all but let me skip my oral thesis defense entirely because he knew I was making up failed classes at the same time and had a lot on my plate. I didn’t get a scholarship for my stay abroad in the United States so my parents paid for it. I got into Maastricht University, the only school I applied to, because they don’t have any entrance requirements. I became an intern last-minute at the company I did because my mom had found the ad and sent it to me just at the right time when no one else had applied yet.

It always worked out in the end. I was always lucky enough. I graduated, I got just-above-average grades, things were moving forward as they should. But I never set real goals and met them because I dedicated everything I had to getting there. That you can get away with never doing more than absolutely necessary – sometimes less – because there’s always people higher up to let you pass or timetables that tell you what to do next or holes in the system to slip through is a terrible, terrible lesson to learn. It feeds into my general laziness and lack of ambition, and creates a toxic mix that led me to where I am right now: jobless, unmotivated, incapable of fixing things on my own.

I have sent out maybe ten job applications in the past three months. I should have sent out at least three times as many, and the job counselor the government assigned to me when I applied for welfare checks if I do. So I lie. I look up job ads and I print them out and I tell him I applied, even though I never did because I couldn’t be bothered to do actual research about the company and write a decent cover letter. I think we can all agree that is INSANE behavior. What kind of person does that, deny herself progress and success just to avoid putting in any effort? A person who never had to. A person who never learned that this is how life works. A person who, time and time again, discovered that the choices she’s made so far were never really her own but just happenstance. A person who always always always settled for whatever came along, for the easy way out that was always there if she just waited it out long enough.

Right now, waiting it out was good enough again. I whined and complained and did little to improve my situation – work towards a job I really want, or even figure out what I really want – and by pure chance, the company I interned for contacted me again and offered me a job. It’s a crappy job, it’s not at all what I had in mind or what I should sensibly be doing. But I didn’t line up any alternatives and so, once again, it looks like I will settle for something I just happen upon; something that’s handed to me; something that’s good enough for now but not ideal; something I forced myself into that I won’t likely be happy with.

I mentioned this in my last post already but it bears repeating: I need to break out of this strange cycle. If I make any resolutions for 2013, it has to be to take control of my life, set goals and actually DO STUFF to achieve them, make decisions and own them, be myself and be happy.

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